The Painfully True Post

Have you ever had someone in your life that you believed to be one of the coolest, most awesome people ever and just have them disappoint you so badly by being a selfish person that you don't even want to think about them? Unfortunately I believe that that is how people feel about me. I feel like I'm that person that people roll their eyes at as soon as I open my mouth or show up beside them. I don't even think that they believe I'm cool or awesome, I think that they just see me as "that weird girl with the boyfriend and likes plastic horses" and in a sense that is true, but I need friends too :(
Maybe I just haven't met the right people to really be my friends, but it just makes me sad to see these people that have this one person who is an awesome friend, and I'm lucky if I can hold someone's attention when I'm talking. I'm on a college campus with hundreds of people and nobody really wants to take the effort to actually be my friend, isn't that kind of sad?
If I have shut anyone out since I started dating James, I'm sorry, that really was not my intention at all. I don't really know how to balance this having a boyfriend, horses, friends and going to school thing.

I wish that I had someone (besides James) that I could talk to about things and can actually trust enough to confide in. I'm going through a rough time right now and I just wish I had a friend who would bring me a hot chocolate and curl up on the couch and talk with me for hours when everything is falling apart, or someone that I could babble on about stupid things with for hours. I need a friend that I can count on, because they could count on me. I may be weird, but I'm loyal and I'm sensitive and I try hard to be a good friend. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm lonely and I just need someone to do stupid shit with when James is at home with allis friends, and even when I go home so that I have someone to hang out with if we have a party or friends over or whatever. I just need someone.

Even though I'm surrounded by people, I just feel alone.

Am I just too picky about my friends? I know I come off as a bitch a lot, and I really don't mean to, but it happens because I take a while to trust someone, especially if I want to be able to trust them with anything, because I've been burned in so many ways in the past, so I struggle with letting people into my life. That's why I've kind of clung to James like dog hair on a black coat. I have a hard time being around certain types of people, but I think that everyone is like that to an extent. Do I overstep my boundaries? Probably, but I guess thats me and if someone can't handle it, they probably wouldn't enjoy being my friend.

Sigh.