The Post About Days Like Today

There are days when everything is wrong. You've failed tests and presentations, you've been up for far too many hours, your friends all have better things to do than spend time with you, it seems like everything is going very wrong and the only person you want to spend time with isn't around and it seems like they aren't just 1000 miles away physically, but mentally as well. Though I'm sure it's possible that it is just an overreaction of the imagination because it is just one of those days, but what do I know? You just feel useless, miserable and absolutely worthless, and you feel that there is no good left in the world. 

These days lead to far too much frustration to even fathom, which eventually just turn to tears, and these tears don't stop flowing, nor do they sting any less than being shot in the heart. These days just result in a heavy heart that feels like it could sink right through the soil to the centre of the earth, where it would just burn until it melts away. 

Trying to distract oneself from these miserable, worthless feelings is far harder than it should be. Even sleeping results in waking up abruptly in a cold sweat with tears running down your face, and that makes you far less likely to be able to comfortably fall back to a slumber.  

There's nothing delightful or peaceful about any of this, none at all. The smallest thing just ends up triggering a reaction, or even really just an emotion, making it unbearably painful to consider doing something other than just sitting in your room and watching Gossip Girl on Netflix, hoping that perhaps those characters actually feel more pain about this sort of thing than what you're feeling right now, or that they will at least be able to potray it, whereas you'll try and hide it the best you can with an "I'm just tired" or a "my back hurts, that's all, I'm fine, really", and when someone does find out about it, they'll just pity you and tell you that they wish there was something that they could do to help, rather than actually thinking of something that they could do to help.  

This just leads to an unbearable wish for someone to make some sort of grand gesture for your sake, though it is highly unlikely because nobody has ever made any sort of grand gesture for you in your nineteen years of existence. Why start now, right? 

The Post About Goodbyes Post

I think that the worst word in the English language has to be "goodbye". 

It doesn't matter if it's just for a while, or for the rest of your life, it's still one of the hardest words to either say, or hear come out of someone's mouth. The worst thing is hearing someone you care about say it, it just puts a damper on your whole day. I had to say goodbye to James this morning, and it sucked, because with this whole "seeing each other every few days" thing, it makes a couple of days seem like just a few short hours, and when we are apart, it feels like years until I get to see him again. 

On Friday I also got to see my other horse for the first time in about a month, and it was really hard to say goodbye to her too, even though I'll get to see her soon. 

The worst kind of goodbye is the one without an explanation. The one without reason or purpose. The one that silences the heart in the blink of an eye because it wasn't said. Perhaps it's because one can feel that it is the last goodbye, but they cannot bring themselves to say it, or maybe they just don't say it because they don't want to, or they fear that if they do, it would be the worst mistake that they could ever make. 

Goodbye is composed of seven tiny letters, but it can be used to describe a million thoughts and feelings. There is so much sadness and hatred and anger and frustration, though there could be joy buried in there somewhere, if one looks hard enough. 

One single person is in fact my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye. Though perhaps saying goodbye just means that one can say hello again sooner? 

I do believe though, that if one is intent on seeing another, they shouldn't say goodbye, they should just give them a kiss and tell them that they cannot wait to see them again. 

The Update Post

I don't know why it says that this post was posted in May.. It is November 3rd.. There's snow on the ground.. 

So, life has taken an insane turn over the last few months. I've had to stop and reevaluate everything that I've known for the last year. I graduated high school, I was accepted to the Equine Science program at a local college, my Breeze came home to me, and I had my heart shattered by the man that I thought loved me. 

I don't know if it hurts more knowing that someone doesn't know how they feel about you, or that they can't bring themselves to tell you that they love you. 

It's like a form of rejected that I can't even describe. It starts at your core, and a fiery, burning sensation just rips through your whole body until you're in tears, again, usually on the floor, hugging your dog and asking him why it always has to be you. 

Surprisingly enough, despite all of this, I've also managed to somehow meet an amazing guy who actually wants to spend time with me. He makes me feel like I can do absolutely anything and it doesn't matter. I am so lucky to have met someone like him, and I don't even know how I deserve him. He's so sweet, and he's funny, and he tells me how beautiful that he thinks I am, and I really love it. It makes me feel like I'm actually special and that I mean something to him. :) I don't think that I can even describe the way that he makes me feel at thus point, all I know is that I'm happy and I don't know what I would do without him. Even though he lives about 40 minutes away, he still drives out to school to see me every chance that he gets.. It's just amazing how much he cares, even though we've only really been together a little while. He even puts up with me talking about what used to be, with Trevor, even though I know it must be so hard for him to listen to. He's someone that I know I can count on and will treat me the way that I deserve. I miss him so much, all the time, and it is so hard to deal with, but it is worth it because I am really enjoying school. :) it is so scary that I've met someone that I'm so interested in and that is so interested in me, but it makes me just so happy at the same time. His name is James and he is phenomenal. :) 

The Year Long Blogger Post

Okay, I know I suck as a blogger, as I only talk about my life occurrences, but I'm allowed because its my blog, so shush and make your own if you have a problem.

Apparently it's been a year since I've started this thing and man, what a year it's been.

I'm sure people hate me because of some things I've posted, and I get that, but I don't care to be honest with you.
You've all read about me being happy, and sad, and at my complete worst, and I thank you for that, because this has been my place to get things out.

The last few months have been kind of difficult, but I'm holding on and am ready for it all to resolve itself. I just feel like everything that means something is slipping from my grasp and I don't know how to stop it.

I honestly love my boyfriend so much for all that he is, has been, and ever will be for me. I've never found anyone who can put up with me and care about me when I ugly cry all over him and I honestly would be lost without him. He's someone that I don't want to imagine leaving my life.

My four legged babies have held me together for the last three years and I don't understand how I've been so lucky. Whether it's been a mane to cry on, or a swift wake up call onto my butt, they have been there for everything and I can't wait for my baby girl to be back home next week.

This time next month I'll have crossed the stage on graduation day and I'll have an "Alberta Diploma IOU" until I finish my exams. It's really a bittersweet feeling, as high school has been a roller coaster of every emotion under the sun, part of me will miss it, but most of me won't miss the 9am classes and will be enjoying the 9 am rides.

I don't know, I guess the last year has taught me a lot about not only myself, but the world I live in. Looking back at the posts, I probably seem like a nutcase to people who don't know me, but I feel like this is a really accurate representation of what makes me me and why I am the way I am.

The Lame Post About My Current State of Mind Post

Because I'm sad, I feel like I need to make a post, but I honestly don't know what to say.

The last few days have seriously taken a toll on me. I think I'm going through another one of those phases where I'm just sad about everything and I can't help it.

I should be happy. I have no reason to be sad. I mean, things aren't perfect, but they could sure be a hell of a lot worse.

I think one of my problems is that I put far more effort into things than most people do, and it does nothing but hurt me in the end. Another thing is that the small things mean everything to me. Especially when it comes to something or someone that I care about.

Since Sunday morning, I honestly can't show any emotion through anything but crying. I cried in the shower Sunday morning, I almost cried at work on Sunday, I cried myself to sleep Sunday night, I cried when I woke up Monday morning, and here I am, Monday night, in tears again. I don't know what is wrong with me, or why I'm so sad, but my heart just aches. You know, the kind of ache when it feels like someone is stepping on your chest and slowly pushing all the blood out of your heart until you're at the point where you can't breathe.

I just don't know why. Every little thing is upsetting me, or disappointing me, or just plain frustrating me.

I can't seem to put my thoughts into words, and when I do, they come out in gibberish and mean nothing that I intended them to. I just wish people could feel the emotions that you're feeling, just so they would understand why you have a certain reaction to something.

All I want is for someone to hug me and never let me go, not because they feel bad for me, or they feel like they have to, but because they love me and they don't want to let me go, or they can't bring themselves to let me go.

That is honestly all that I need right now.

The Confusedly Loveable Post

I don't know what to call this post. I'm a mess of frustration, confusion, love, happiness and loneliness.

I honestly don't know why I can't just deal with my life like a normal person. Everything drives me crazy, even what's supposed to be good and when I get a chance to say that something is bothering me, I just can't.

I have someone that I care so much about, but sometimes I feel lonely, even when he's around, and I don't know why. I've just got this longing and I don't know what it's for. Maybe it's for a fairy tale romance because I am a hopeless romantic? Perhaps, but knowing my luck it will have a Shakespearian ending. I want to be loved in a way I've never been loved before, because I really haven't been loved very well, until recently anyway. I want to be spoiled and surprised and I want to feel like we are the only people in the world that matter. I wish I could experience that for even one day. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy now, I'm just confused, and something deep in my soul wishes that the amazing relationship I'm in could become absolutely mind blowing. It's pretty fantastic so far, but I can't help but feel like something is missing.

It is so frustrating sitting around day after day hoping that something amazing will happen and then watching those hopes get crushed one day at a time.

I know people can't read minds, if they did, I know my life would be a little bit easier. When I'm feeling something, I have such a hard time formulating it into words, let alone sentences out loud to someone. Especially if it is someone I don't want to lose.
I try to be the best girlfriend I can be, but I'm not sure how good I really am. I want to think I'm the girl that every guy wishes for and lusts after, but I can't help thinking that I'm nothing of the sorts. And that makes me sad.

I guess I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to pull it together, but it's so hard to pull it together when you're always feeling like you're falling apart. I guess nothing has a fairy tale ending, even if you spend your life trying to make it that way.

The Modest Outlook Post

Well. 2013 is a new year, and therefore a new chapter in my life. Yes the people, places, and possessions are the same, but I feel different.
I've grown as a person over the last few months, believe it or not.
I'm taking steps back to change the flaws in myself that I've grown accustomed to, or I just accept them.
One of my biggest flaws is that I am constantly thinking about what could be going right instead of what really is going right. In doing this, I feel like this is my way of making up for things that I'm missing in my life. This is horrible and selfish and completely unfair to everyone involved. Instead of focusing on what isn't right, I should be concentrating on and absorbing the good.
Recently I've discovered that I am letting my emotions get in the way of my decisions, but really they should only play a slight part in the role, as my judgement is usually clouded when emotions get involved. I have come to realize though, that when I feel something, it really is that feeling and not some inceptive feeling trying to sneak past me. Be it love, anger, or sadness, it will surface eventually no matter how hard I try to hide it.
I don't even know why I'm writing this post.. I just felt the need to do it, I guess Some things in life don't need a reason, they just need to be heard.