Tuesday 2 December 2014

The Post About Self Pity

It's days like today that I just want to sit down and cry. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I feel like I'll never be good enough. 
There's nothing worse than trying to do something in front of a group of people who can do what you're trying, and failing miserably. Having them all judge you, and stare at you, and scream at you, it's all just so frustrating and nerve wracking and terrifying. Just when I'm starting to feel some bit of confidence in my riding ability, it all shatters. 
It all looks so much easier to everyone else, like it just comes naturally to them. I'm not a natural, I don't have the same amount of talent as they do. I don't belong here. 
I don't think I'll ever belong here. 

I took this spot at this school from someone who deserved it, because I didn't. I still don't.
I'll never be able to train horses, I'll never be able to show horses and accomplish anything, maybe I should just keep horses as my hobby and go down a different path. 
I'm not consistent enough. I can't do it properly. I am crooked and all over the place. I am not balanced. I am not soft. I don't have a good leg and a good position. I'm just no good. 
I pity myself because it's my own damn fault that I'm no good and I fuck even the simplest things up. I don't need any pity from anyone else because I already have way too much of it. 
Sometimes I just want to give it all up.