Friday 29 November 2013

The Post About Days Like Today

There are days when everything is wrong. You've failed tests and presentations, you've been up for far too many hours, your friends all have better things to do than spend time with you, it seems like everything is going very wrong and the only person you want to spend time with isn't around and it seems like they aren't just 1000 miles away physically, but mentally as well. Though I'm sure it's possible that it is just an overreaction of the imagination because it is just one of those days, but what do I know? You just feel useless, miserable and absolutely worthless, and you feel that there is no good left in the world. 

These days lead to far too much frustration to even fathom, which eventually just turn to tears, and these tears don't stop flowing, nor do they sting any less than being shot in the heart. These days just result in a heavy heart that feels like it could sink right through the soil to the centre of the earth, where it would just burn until it melts away. 

Trying to distract oneself from these miserable, worthless feelings is far harder than it should be. Even sleeping results in waking up abruptly in a cold sweat with tears running down your face, and that makes you far less likely to be able to comfortably fall back to a slumber.  

There's nothing delightful or peaceful about any of this, none at all. The smallest thing just ends up triggering a reaction, or even really just an emotion, making it unbearably painful to consider doing something other than just sitting in your room and watching Gossip Girl on Netflix, hoping that perhaps those characters actually feel more pain about this sort of thing than what you're feeling right now, or that they will at least be able to potray it, whereas you'll try and hide it the best you can with an "I'm just tired" or a "my back hurts, that's all, I'm fine, really", and when someone does find out about it, they'll just pity you and tell you that they wish there was something that they could do to help, rather than actually thinking of something that they could do to help.  

This just leads to an unbearable wish for someone to make some sort of grand gesture for your sake, though it is highly unlikely because nobody has ever made any sort of grand gesture for you in your nineteen years of existence. Why start now, right? 

Tuesday 12 November 2013

The Post About Goodbyes Post

I think that the worst word in the English language has to be "goodbye". 

It doesn't matter if it's just for a while, or for the rest of your life, it's still one of the hardest words to either say, or hear come out of someone's mouth. The worst thing is hearing someone you care about say it, it just puts a damper on your whole day. I had to say goodbye to James this morning, and it sucked, because with this whole "seeing each other every few days" thing, it makes a couple of days seem like just a few short hours, and when we are apart, it feels like years until I get to see him again. 
On Friday I also got to see my other horse for the first time in about a month, and it was really hard to say goodbye to her too, even though I'll get to see her soon. 

The worst kind of goodbye is the one without an explanation. The one without reason or purpose. The one that silences the heart in the blink of an eye because it wasn't said. Perhaps it's because one can feel that it is the last goodbye, but they cannot bring themselves to say it, or maybe they just don't say it because they don't want to, or they fear that if they do, it would be the worst mistake that they could ever make. 

Goodbye is composed of seven tiny letters, but it can be used to describe a million thoughts and feelings. There is so much sadness and hatred and anger and frustration, though there could be joy buried in there somewhere, if one looks hard enough. 

One single person is in fact my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye. Though perhaps saying goodbye just means that one can say hello again sooner? 

I do believe though, that if one is intent on seeing another, they shouldn't say goodbye, they should just give them a kiss and tell them that they cannot wait to see them again.