The Year Long Blogger Post

Okay, I know I suck as a blogger, as I only talk about my life occurrences, but I'm allowed because its my blog, so shush and make your own if you have a problem.

Apparently it's been a year since I've started this thing and man, what a year it's been.

I'm sure people hate me because of some things I've posted, and I get that, but I don't care to be honest with you.
You've all read about me being happy, and sad, and at my complete worst, and I thank you for that, because this has been my place to get things out.

The last few months have been kind of difficult, but I'm holding on and am ready for it all to resolve itself. I just feel like everything that means something is slipping from my grasp and I don't know how to stop it.

I honestly love my boyfriend so much for all that he is, has been, and ever will be for me. I've never found anyone who can put up with me and care about me when I ugly cry all over him and I honestly would be lost without him. He's someone that I don't want to imagine leaving my life.

My four legged babies have held me together for the last three years and I don't understand how I've been so lucky. Whether it's been a mane to cry on, or a swift wake up call onto my butt, they have been there for everything and I can't wait for my baby girl to be back home next week.

This time next month I'll have crossed the stage on graduation day and I'll have an "Alberta Diploma IOU" until I finish my exams. It's really a bittersweet feeling, as high school has been a roller coaster of every emotion under the sun, part of me will miss it, but most of me won't miss the 9am classes and will be enjoying the 9 am rides.

I don't know, I guess the last year has taught me a lot about not only myself, but the world I live in. Looking back at the posts, I probably seem like a nutcase to people who don't know me, but I feel like this is a really accurate representation of what makes me me and why I am the way I am.

The Lame Post About My Current State of Mind Post

Because I'm sad, I feel like I need to make a post, but I honestly don't know what to say.

The last few days have seriously taken a toll on me. I think I'm going through another one of those phases where I'm just sad about everything and I can't help it.

I should be happy. I have no reason to be sad. I mean, things aren't perfect, but they could sure be a hell of a lot worse.

I think one of my problems is that I put far more effort into things than most people do, and it does nothing but hurt me in the end. Another thing is that the small things mean everything to me. Especially when it comes to something or someone that I care about.

Since Sunday morning, I honestly can't show any emotion through anything but crying. I cried in the shower Sunday morning, I almost cried at work on Sunday, I cried myself to sleep Sunday night, I cried when I woke up Monday morning, and here I am, Monday night, in tears again. I don't know what is wrong with me, or why I'm so sad, but my heart just aches. You know, the kind of ache when it feels like someone is stepping on your chest and slowly pushing all the blood out of your heart until you're at the point where you can't breathe.

I just don't know why. Every little thing is upsetting me, or disappointing me, or just plain frustrating me.

I can't seem to put my thoughts into words, and when I do, they come out in gibberish and mean nothing that I intended them to. I just wish people could feel the emotions that you're feeling, just so they would understand why you have a certain reaction to something.

All I want is for someone to hug me and never let me go, not because they feel bad for me, or they feel like they have to, but because they love me and they don't want to let me go, or they can't bring themselves to let me go.

That is honestly all that I need right now.

The Confusedly Loveable Post

I don't know what to call this post. I'm a mess of frustration, confusion, love, happiness and loneliness.

I honestly don't know why I can't just deal with my life like a normal person. Everything drives me crazy, even what's supposed to be good and when I get a chance to say that something is bothering me, I just can't.

I have someone that I care so much about, but sometimes I feel lonely, even when he's around, and I don't know why. I've just got this longing and I don't know what it's for. Maybe it's for a fairy tale romance because I am a hopeless romantic? Perhaps, but knowing my luck it will have a Shakespearian ending. I want to be loved in a way I've never been loved before, because I really haven't been loved very well, until recently anyway. I want to be spoiled and surprised and I want to feel like we are the only people in the world that matter. I wish I could experience that for even one day. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy now, I'm just confused, and something deep in my soul wishes that the amazing relationship I'm in could become absolutely mind blowing. It's pretty fantastic so far, but I can't help but feel like something is missing.

It is so frustrating sitting around day after day hoping that something amazing will happen and then watching those hopes get crushed one day at a time.

I know people can't read minds, if they did, I know my life would be a little bit easier. When I'm feeling something, I have such a hard time formulating it into words, let alone sentences out loud to someone. Especially if it is someone I don't want to lose.
I try to be the best girlfriend I can be, but I'm not sure how good I really am. I want to think I'm the girl that every guy wishes for and lusts after, but I can't help thinking that I'm nothing of the sorts. And that makes me sad.

I guess I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to pull it together, but it's so hard to pull it together when you're always feeling like you're falling apart. I guess nothing has a fairy tale ending, even if you spend your life trying to make it that way.

The Modest Outlook Post

Well. 2013 is a new year, and therefore a new chapter in my life. Yes the people, places, and possessions are the same, but I feel different.
I've grown as a person over the last few months, believe it or not.
I'm taking steps back to change the flaws in myself that I've grown accustomed to, or I just accept them.
One of my biggest flaws is that I am constantly thinking about what could be going right instead of what really is going right. In doing this, I feel like this is my way of making up for things that I'm missing in my life. This is horrible and selfish and completely unfair to everyone involved. Instead of focusing on what isn't right, I should be concentrating on and absorbing the good.
Recently I've discovered that I am letting my emotions get in the way of my decisions, but really they should only play a slight part in the role, as my judgement is usually clouded when emotions get involved. I have come to realize though, that when I feel something, it really is that feeling and not some inceptive feeling trying to sneak past me. Be it love, anger, or sadness, it will surface eventually no matter how hard I try to hide it.
I don't even know why I'm writing this post.. I just felt the need to do it, I guess Some things in life don't need a reason, they just need to be heard.

The Inevitable Post

Well, seeing as I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 months now, it's fairly inevitable that a post dedicated to him would come along. ;)

I don't think I've ever been this happy. I've heard from multiple sources that I'm just glowing and giddy like a little kid, and it's true.

He's funny, and he gets me. I love it. He makes me feel wanted, and he makes me want to get up in the morning, just so I can talk to him, or see him. I think my favorite thing about waking up next to him is that the first thing he does is kiss me. I think that is the sweetest, most romantic thing I've ever experienced in my whole life. It just makes my heart melt.
I'm singing along to love songs on the radio, and I'm wanting to watch romantic comedies. This never happens! It's amazing :)

He is someone that I want to spend every hour of every day with, but I know I can't, so I'm trying to just settle with doing other things, but it's hard when I can't get him out of my head.

I probably sound like some crazy high schooler, which really I am, but this is what's been going on with me for the last few months, and I'd honestly do anything for him.

He's my happy when I'm sad, he's my sane when I go mad, and he's my rock when everything else is being blown around by a hurricane. I feel like he understands and he is willing to give me advice on anything I'm having trouble with. It is so reassuring to just have someone there who will hold me when it feels like my world is crumbling apart.

But yeah, this post is for you, and I hope you actually read it, because you deserve to know how awesome you are in my eyes. ;)

The Emotionally Challenged Post

I have no reason to be sad.
I have a best friend that loves me, two beautiful horses and the best boyfriend I've ever had.
But for some reason last night, this feeling of sadness just poured over me and ruined my day, and it was a pretty good day. It even attacked my dreams and made me feel as unwanted as humanly possible. And when I woke up I was just crying and I couldn't stop. I don't know why this is happening to me, and I want it to stop. It's making me feel so worthless and like I'm alone in the world, even though I'm not. It's so frustrating. It just came out of the blue, as I've been so happy lately.
Maybe it's from all the thoughts spinning in my head, and my subconscious is just choosing to manifest the ones I'm most afraid of? Who knows? I definitely don't, and it's driving me crazy. :( I feel like I should say more, but I just can't.

The Unknown Blog Post of Confusion

I don't know where that title came from, I just figured that being creative would help me feel better :p I should be on top of the world right now, but I'm not, I'm actually in a substantially bad mood, and it sucks. Sometimes you're in a bad mood for no reason, and it just brings you down even more because you don't know why. This morning I bought tickets to see my favorite singer with my best friend. Totally the best thing ever right? Yeah, I thought so too. That didn't last long and since then my mood has deflated. I don't know why this happens, I don't think I ever will either, but it always ends up with me breaking down and reminiscing about all the crap I've gone through and how much I've hated my life, but then it leads to me thinking about all the amazing things and the few amazing people I have in my life and I feel a little better, but there's still an emptiness, and I don't understand why. It's unnerving and frustrating and horrendous for anyone that cares about me at all to watch me fall apart and come back together. One might even think I'm bipolar, but that's not the case. I guess some stones are better left unturned and it's best to try and move on and forget, but most of the time it's not that easy to let go of anything remotely substantial or has left any kind of impact on your life. But life happens I guess.