The Post About Losing People

This isn't about someone passing away. This is about friends who stop being friends. And people who decide that you aren't worth their time anymore and stop calling and texting and hanging out with you.

Friendship is a hard topic for me to talk about, I have lots of friends, but not many close friends. This makes me very sad. The people that I saw as my closest friends only talk to me if I send them a text or if they need something, but someone I once thought to be one of my closest friends now just ignores me, and that really kills me.
All I have ever wanted was one of those friendships where the two of you are inseparable and know everything about each other, but you're not dependant on each other. You can go for ice cream and movies or just hang out and do whatever. You support each other and do whatever you can with each other, and neither of you ever feels alone. I need a best friend. Someone who will really be there for me if I ever need them, and someone who will laugh with me and cry with me and just be with me.
I've been really dependent on my boyfriend for the longest time and that probably hasn't been good for my friendships, I'm trying to be more independent and enjoy my life, but I only have a few people to enjoy it with, and that makes me sad.

I'm now accepting applications for someone that I can be close with and laugh with and cry with. I need someone who can be there for me and help me, because I will absolutely do the same for them, no matter what. If you're a horse person, that would be a huge bonus, but if you can just handle listening to me blabber on like a crazy person, that's okay too.

The New Years Resolution Post

It's been 2 years since I've bogged. I want to start again. My life has been a disaster for the last year and it's all finally starting to come together again. It's a new year, therefore I'm going to better myself. James and I broke up in August, but we are officially back together as of January 1st, hopefully for good. I'm trying to move forward with my life now that I'm done college. I just need to complete my practicum and I will be done. I have a very busy and exciting year planned and I can't wait to share it with everyone. This post won't be very interesting, I'm sorry, I just want to have something solid and in writing so that I will stay motivated to post and share everything. I hope that everyone is able to stick to their goals for this year, as I want to achieve great things and make 2016 an amazing year.

The Post About Self Pity

It's days like today that I just want to sit down and cry. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I feel like I'll never be good enough. 

There's nothing worse than trying to do something in front of a group of people who can do what you're trying, and failing miserably. Having them all judge you, and stare at you, and scream at you, it's all just so frustrating and nerve wracking and terrifying. Just when I'm starting to feel some bit of confidence in my riding ability, it all shatters. 

It all looks so much easier to everyone else, like it just comes naturally to them. I'm not a natural, I don't have the same amount of talent as they do. I don't belong here. 

I don't think I'll ever belong here. 

I took this spot at this school from someone who deserved it, because I didn't. I still don't.

I'll never be able to train horses, I'll never be able to show horses and accomplish anything, maybe I should just keep horses as my hobby and go down a different path. 

I'm not consistent enough. I can't do it properly. I am crooked and all over the place. I am not balanced. I am not soft. I don't have a good leg and a good position. I'm just no good. 

I pity myself because it's my own damn fault that I'm no good and I fuck even the simplest things up. I don't need any pity from anyone else because I already have way too much of it. 

Sometimes I just want to give it all up. 

The Painfully True Post

Have you ever had someone in your life that you believed to be one of the coolest, most awesome people ever and just have them disappoint you so badly by being a selfish person that you don't even want to think about them? Unfortunately I believe that that is how people feel about me. I feel like I'm that person that people roll their eyes at as soon as I open my mouth or show up beside them. I don't even think that they believe I'm cool or awesome, I think that they just see me as "that weird girl with the boyfriend and likes plastic horses" and in a sense that is true, but I need friends too :(
Maybe I just haven't met the right people to really be my friends, but it just makes me sad to see these people that have this one person who is an awesome friend, and I'm lucky if I can hold someone's attention when I'm talking. I'm on a college campus with hundreds of people and nobody really wants to take the effort to actually be my friend, isn't that kind of sad?
If I have shut anyone out since I started dating James, I'm sorry, that really was not my intention at all. I don't really know how to balance this having a boyfriend, horses, friends and going to school thing.

I wish that I had someone (besides James) that I could talk to about things and can actually trust enough to confide in. I'm going through a rough time right now and I just wish I had a friend who would bring me a hot chocolate and curl up on the couch and talk with me for hours when everything is falling apart, or someone that I could babble on about stupid things with for hours. I need a friend that I can count on, because they could count on me. I may be weird, but I'm loyal and I'm sensitive and I try hard to be a good friend. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm lonely and I just need someone to do stupid shit with when James is at home with allis friends, and even when I go home so that I have someone to hang out with if we have a party or friends over or whatever. I just need someone.

Even though I'm surrounded by people, I just feel alone.

Am I just too picky about my friends? I know I come off as a bitch a lot, and I really don't mean to, but it happens because I take a while to trust someone, especially if I want to be able to trust them with anything, because I've been burned in so many ways in the past, so I struggle with letting people into my life. That's why I've kind of clung to James like dog hair on a black coat. I have a hard time being around certain types of people, but I think that everyone is like that to an extent. Do I overstep my boundaries? Probably, but I guess thats me and if someone can't handle it, they probably wouldn't enjoy being my friend.

Sigh.

The Revival Post

So, I know that I've been awful at posting, considering I haven't done so in a year, but so much has changed since then. 
For starters, I've fallen even more in love with James, and we had an absolutely incredible summer together. We travelled to Idaho, we went to Drumheller and hiked the HooDoos, we went to the Tail Creek Music Festival, we travelled to Lethbridge to go to a model horse show (Lethbridge Live), we went to weddings, we rode my horse together, we drove through Glacier National Park, I rode a roller coaster for the first time, we went to a Wolf Sanctuary, and more importantly, I fell in love with him all over again. We've smiled, we've cried, and we've laughed, but more importantly, we've made each other extremely happy over the last year and I cannot thank him enough for everything that he has done. 

I started my second year of my Equine Science diploma in Olds, and it has been very enlightening for me. I've been working very hard on becoming a better person, and with that I've come to realize that I don't deserve to keep toxic people in my life, even though I have very few friends to begin with. With that being said, some people need to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that they are not better than everyone and that they need to treat their "friends" far better than they are, and they need to realize that they are not as important as they think they are. Nobody is THAT important and that will never change. 

I really need something to do better with in my life, a goal of sorts, I've decided to focus on my riding and working with horses, but I think that I should try blogging more too, even if they're jut boring posts about the horses I'm working with, what I've learned and everything in-between like how my day is, (sorry there will be bitching and griping if it's terrible) how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, so many things, even if the post is super nerdy and ridiculous(PLASTIC PONIESS!!!!), I don't care as long as it's something. I'm sure that nobody will continue to read this, as only a handful of people have been reading it over the years. (For anyone that has been reading, thank you so very much, I DO appreciate it)

Here is Atlas and myself from this summer, I didn't spend enough time with them at all :(

As life goes on, I find myself wondering where I'm going to end up when all is said and done. Am I going to be able to work in the Equine Industry and actually be successful? Or am I going to fail miserably and have to find something else to replace my dream? It's a very scary thought, but it is true, as I'm not confident enough to believe that I will succeed, nor to believe that I am going to be good enough to be successful at my dream. With that being said, I'm hoping that I will be able to succeed at someday being a loving wife, and actually create a real life with James. I know I'm young, only 20, but these things have been circling through my head since I have come back to school, as this will be my reality come May.

The Post About Days Like Today

There are days when everything is wrong. You've failed tests and presentations, you've been up for far too many hours, your friends all have better things to do than spend time with you, it seems like everything is going very wrong and the only person you want to spend time with isn't around and it seems like they aren't just 1000 miles away physically, but mentally as well. Though I'm sure it's possible that it is just an overreaction of the imagination because it is just one of those days, but what do I know? You just feel useless, miserable and absolutely worthless, and you feel that there is no good left in the world. 

These days lead to far too much frustration to even fathom, which eventually just turn to tears, and these tears don't stop flowing, nor do they sting any less than being shot in the heart. These days just result in a heavy heart that feels like it could sink right through the soil to the centre of the earth, where it would just burn until it melts away. 

Trying to distract oneself from these miserable, worthless feelings is far harder than it should be. Even sleeping results in waking up abruptly in a cold sweat with tears running down your face, and that makes you far less likely to be able to comfortably fall back to a slumber.  

There's nothing delightful or peaceful about any of this, none at all. The smallest thing just ends up triggering a reaction, or even really just an emotion, making it unbearably painful to consider doing something other than just sitting in your room and watching Gossip Girl on Netflix, hoping that perhaps those characters actually feel more pain about this sort of thing than what you're feeling right now, or that they will at least be able to potray it, whereas you'll try and hide it the best you can with an "I'm just tired" or a "my back hurts, that's all, I'm fine, really", and when someone does find out about it, they'll just pity you and tell you that they wish there was something that they could do to help, rather than actually thinking of something that they could do to help.  

This just leads to an unbearable wish for someone to make some sort of grand gesture for your sake, though it is highly unlikely because nobody has ever made any sort of grand gesture for you in your nineteen years of existence. Why start now, right? 

The Post About Goodbyes Post

I think that the worst word in the English language has to be "goodbye". 

It doesn't matter if it's just for a while, or for the rest of your life, it's still one of the hardest words to either say, or hear come out of someone's mouth. The worst thing is hearing someone you care about say it, it just puts a damper on your whole day. I had to say goodbye to James this morning, and it sucked, because with this whole "seeing each other every few days" thing, it makes a couple of days seem like just a few short hours, and when we are apart, it feels like years until I get to see him again. 

On Friday I also got to see my other horse for the first time in about a month, and it was really hard to say goodbye to her too, even though I'll get to see her soon. 

The worst kind of goodbye is the one without an explanation. The one without reason or purpose. The one that silences the heart in the blink of an eye because it wasn't said. Perhaps it's because one can feel that it is the last goodbye, but they cannot bring themselves to say it, or maybe they just don't say it because they don't want to, or they fear that if they do, it would be the worst mistake that they could ever make. 

Goodbye is composed of seven tiny letters, but it can be used to describe a million thoughts and feelings. There is so much sadness and hatred and anger and frustration, though there could be joy buried in there somewhere, if one looks hard enough. 

One single person is in fact my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye. Though perhaps saying goodbye just means that one can say hello again sooner? 

I do believe though, that if one is intent on seeing another, they shouldn't say goodbye, they should just give them a kiss and tell them that they cannot wait to see them again. 

The Update Post

I don't know why it says that this post was posted in May.. It is November 3rd.. There's snow on the ground.. 

So, life has taken an insane turn over the last few months. I've had to stop and reevaluate everything that I've known for the last year. I graduated high school, I was accepted to the Equine Science program at a local college, my Breeze came home to me, and I had my heart shattered by the man that I thought loved me. 

I don't know if it hurts more knowing that someone doesn't know how they feel about you, or that they can't bring themselves to tell you that they love you. 

It's like a form of rejected that I can't even describe. It starts at your core, and a fiery, burning sensation just rips through your whole body until you're in tears, again, usually on the floor, hugging your dog and asking him why it always has to be you. 

Surprisingly enough, despite all of this, I've also managed to somehow meet an amazing guy who actually wants to spend time with me. He makes me feel like I can do absolutely anything and it doesn't matter. I am so lucky to have met someone like him, and I don't even know how I deserve him. He's so sweet, and he's funny, and he tells me how beautiful that he thinks I am, and I really love it. It makes me feel like I'm actually special and that I mean something to him. :) I don't think that I can even describe the way that he makes me feel at thus point, all I know is that I'm happy and I don't know what I would do without him. Even though he lives about 40 minutes away, he still drives out to school to see me every chance that he gets.. It's just amazing how much he cares, even though we've only really been together a little while. He even puts up with me talking about what used to be, with Trevor, even though I know it must be so hard for him to listen to. He's someone that I know I can count on and will treat me the way that I deserve. I miss him so much, all the time, and it is so hard to deal with, but it is worth it because I am really enjoying school. :) it is so scary that I've met someone that I'm so interested in and that is so interested in me, but it makes me just so happy at the same time. His name is James and he is phenomenal. :) 

The Year Long Blogger Post

Okay, I know I suck as a blogger, as I only talk about my life occurrences, but I'm allowed because its my blog, so shush and make your own if you have a problem.

Apparently it's been a year since I've started this thing and man, what a year it's been.

I'm sure people hate me because of some things I've posted, and I get that, but I don't care to be honest with you.
You've all read about me being happy, and sad, and at my complete worst, and I thank you for that, because this has been my place to get things out.

The last few months have been kind of difficult, but I'm holding on and am ready for it all to resolve itself. I just feel like everything that means something is slipping from my grasp and I don't know how to stop it.

I honestly love my boyfriend so much for all that he is, has been, and ever will be for me. I've never found anyone who can put up with me and care about me when I ugly cry all over him and I honestly would be lost without him. He's someone that I don't want to imagine leaving my life.

My four legged babies have held me together for the last three years and I don't understand how I've been so lucky. Whether it's been a mane to cry on, or a swift wake up call onto my butt, they have been there for everything and I can't wait for my baby girl to be back home next week.

This time next month I'll have crossed the stage on graduation day and I'll have an "Alberta Diploma IOU" until I finish my exams. It's really a bittersweet feeling, as high school has been a roller coaster of every emotion under the sun, part of me will miss it, but most of me won't miss the 9am classes and will be enjoying the 9 am rides.

I don't know, I guess the last year has taught me a lot about not only myself, but the world I live in. Looking back at the posts, I probably seem like a nutcase to people who don't know me, but I feel like this is a really accurate representation of what makes me me and why I am the way I am.

The Lame Post About My Current State of Mind Post

Because I'm sad, I feel like I need to make a post, but I honestly don't know what to say.

The last few days have seriously taken a toll on me. I think I'm going through another one of those phases where I'm just sad about everything and I can't help it.

I should be happy. I have no reason to be sad. I mean, things aren't perfect, but they could sure be a hell of a lot worse.

I think one of my problems is that I put far more effort into things than most people do, and it does nothing but hurt me in the end. Another thing is that the small things mean everything to me. Especially when it comes to something or someone that I care about.

Since Sunday morning, I honestly can't show any emotion through anything but crying. I cried in the shower Sunday morning, I almost cried at work on Sunday, I cried myself to sleep Sunday night, I cried when I woke up Monday morning, and here I am, Monday night, in tears again. I don't know what is wrong with me, or why I'm so sad, but my heart just aches. You know, the kind of ache when it feels like someone is stepping on your chest and slowly pushing all the blood out of your heart until you're at the point where you can't breathe.

I just don't know why. Every little thing is upsetting me, or disappointing me, or just plain frustrating me.

I can't seem to put my thoughts into words, and when I do, they come out in gibberish and mean nothing that I intended them to. I just wish people could feel the emotions that you're feeling, just so they would understand why you have a certain reaction to something.

All I want is for someone to hug me and never let me go, not because they feel bad for me, or they feel like they have to, but because they love me and they don't want to let me go, or they can't bring themselves to let me go.

That is honestly all that I need right now.

The Confusedly Loveable Post

I don't know what to call this post. I'm a mess of frustration, confusion, love, happiness and loneliness.

I honestly don't know why I can't just deal with my life like a normal person. Everything drives me crazy, even what's supposed to be good and when I get a chance to say that something is bothering me, I just can't.

I have someone that I care so much about, but sometimes I feel lonely, even when he's around, and I don't know why. I've just got this longing and I don't know what it's for. Maybe it's for a fairy tale romance because I am a hopeless romantic? Perhaps, but knowing my luck it will have a Shakespearian ending. I want to be loved in a way I've never been loved before, because I really haven't been loved very well, until recently anyway. I want to be spoiled and surprised and I want to feel like we are the only people in the world that matter. I wish I could experience that for even one day. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy now, I'm just confused, and something deep in my soul wishes that the amazing relationship I'm in could become absolutely mind blowing. It's pretty fantastic so far, but I can't help but feel like something is missing.

It is so frustrating sitting around day after day hoping that something amazing will happen and then watching those hopes get crushed one day at a time.

I know people can't read minds, if they did, I know my life would be a little bit easier. When I'm feeling something, I have such a hard time formulating it into words, let alone sentences out loud to someone. Especially if it is someone I don't want to lose.
I try to be the best girlfriend I can be, but I'm not sure how good I really am. I want to think I'm the girl that every guy wishes for and lusts after, but I can't help thinking that I'm nothing of the sorts. And that makes me sad.

I guess I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to pull it together, but it's so hard to pull it together when you're always feeling like you're falling apart. I guess nothing has a fairy tale ending, even if you spend your life trying to make it that way.

The Modest Outlook Post

Well. 2013 is a new year, and therefore a new chapter in my life. Yes the people, places, and possessions are the same, but I feel different.
I've grown as a person over the last few months, believe it or not.
I'm taking steps back to change the flaws in myself that I've grown accustomed to, or I just accept them.
One of my biggest flaws is that I am constantly thinking about what could be going right instead of what really is going right. In doing this, I feel like this is my way of making up for things that I'm missing in my life. This is horrible and selfish and completely unfair to everyone involved. Instead of focusing on what isn't right, I should be concentrating on and absorbing the good.
Recently I've discovered that I am letting my emotions get in the way of my decisions, but really they should only play a slight part in the role, as my judgement is usually clouded when emotions get involved. I have come to realize though, that when I feel something, it really is that feeling and not some inceptive feeling trying to sneak past me. Be it love, anger, or sadness, it will surface eventually no matter how hard I try to hide it.
I don't even know why I'm writing this post.. I just felt the need to do it, I guess Some things in life don't need a reason, they just need to be heard.

The Inevitable Post

Well, seeing as I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 months now, it's fairly inevitable that a post dedicated to him would come along. ;)

I don't think I've ever been this happy. I've heard from multiple sources that I'm just glowing and giddy like a little kid, and it's true.

He's funny, and he gets me. I love it. He makes me feel wanted, and he makes me want to get up in the morning, just so I can talk to him, or see him. I think my favorite thing about waking up next to him is that the first thing he does is kiss me. I think that is the sweetest, most romantic thing I've ever experienced in my whole life. It just makes my heart melt.
I'm singing along to love songs on the radio, and I'm wanting to watch romantic comedies. This never happens! It's amazing :)

He is someone that I want to spend every hour of every day with, but I know I can't, so I'm trying to just settle with doing other things, but it's hard when I can't get him out of my head.

I probably sound like some crazy high schooler, which really I am, but this is what's been going on with me for the last few months, and I'd honestly do anything for him.

He's my happy when I'm sad, he's my sane when I go mad, and he's my rock when everything else is being blown around by a hurricane. I feel like he understands and he is willing to give me advice on anything I'm having trouble with. It is so reassuring to just have someone there who will hold me when it feels like my world is crumbling apart.

But yeah, this post is for you, and I hope you actually read it, because you deserve to know how awesome you are in my eyes. ;)

The Emotionally Challenged Post

I have no reason to be sad.
I have a best friend that loves me, two beautiful horses and the best boyfriend I've ever had.
But for some reason last night, this feeling of sadness just poured over me and ruined my day, and it was a pretty good day. It even attacked my dreams and made me feel as unwanted as humanly possible. And when I woke up I was just crying and I couldn't stop. I don't know why this is happening to me, and I want it to stop. It's making me feel so worthless and like I'm alone in the world, even though I'm not. It's so frustrating. It just came out of the blue, as I've been so happy lately.
Maybe it's from all the thoughts spinning in my head, and my subconscious is just choosing to manifest the ones I'm most afraid of? Who knows? I definitely don't, and it's driving me crazy. :( I feel like I should say more, but I just can't.

The Unknown Blog Post of Confusion

I don't know where that title came from, I just figured that being creative would help me feel better :p I should be on top of the world right now, but I'm not, I'm actually in a substantially bad mood, and it sucks. Sometimes you're in a bad mood for no reason, and it just brings you down even more because you don't know why. This morning I bought tickets to see my favorite singer with my best friend. Totally the best thing ever right? Yeah, I thought so too. That didn't last long and since then my mood has deflated. I don't know why this happens, I don't think I ever will either, but it always ends up with me breaking down and reminiscing about all the crap I've gone through and how much I've hated my life, but then it leads to me thinking about all the amazing things and the few amazing people I have in my life and I feel a little better, but there's still an emptiness, and I don't understand why. It's unnerving and frustrating and horrendous for anyone that cares about me at all to watch me fall apart and come back together. One might even think I'm bipolar, but that's not the case. I guess some stones are better left unturned and it's best to try and move on and forget, but most of the time it's not that easy to let go of anything remotely substantial or has left any kind of impact on your life. But life happens I guess.

The Confused Yet Happy Post

Have you ever met someone and just known that they are someone you want to spend all your time with? Well I have, and I am attempting to do so, with much luck thus far.
It's fantastic having someone who will hug me, and cuddle with me and hold my hand, I guess the whole boyfriend aspect has been missing from my previous relationships.
The problem is, I'm not sure what we are. Like at all. I feel like we could be together, but I'm still not sure.
Things are so fantastic between us, I know I feel a spark, but I'm not sure what his side is. Yes, there's an age difference, but that doesn't seem to bother him, nor does it bother me. I just feel so comfortable around him.
My poor friends must be driven crazy by me talking about him hahahah, I'm not even kidding.( If you guys actually read this, I'm sorry. )
But in all honesty, I think this is the most successful almost relationship ever, in my mind.
But really, how does one know if you are actually together or not? I mean yeah, there's the blatantly obvious "ask him" but I feel almost like I'd be bothering him, but if we were together he wouldn't care. Hmm, what a conundrum.

The Broken Life Lesson Post

So, every once in a while life will throw you a curveball, and keeping with the baseball theme, this one curved up and smashed all my fucking teeth in.

Sometimes you meet someone and you just know that they are like your second half. You have the same views on the important things, but some of your interests are different, which helps it all kind of melt together.
I thought I met someone like that. We went out, and saw each other as often as possible, things were fantastic for about a month.
I went on vacation, and the day I went to leave and come home was the last day I heard from him. It blindsided me. Everything was so good until then and I have no idea what happened.

I personally feel that every boy who has ever done this, or has even slept with a girl more than once and stopped talking to her, deserves to be kicked in the balls by an angry, shod draft horse for every fucking day they haven't talked to her.
As far as I'm concerned, if you're a heartless asshole who said things like "I could see us lasting a long time" or "I would do anything for you" or any bullshit like that, you deserve to feel the emotional pain that we have to deal with.
After day 3, I'm not gonna lie, I cried myself to sleep and slumped around in a depressed state. I was crushed. I guess I still am, but it's been a week, and I figure I'm obviously not important enough to even zap a quick text to. But you know what, that's okay. There are half a dozen other guys dying to take your place and can do so very easily.
If you even read this far and feel some remorse, you'll know who you are. I know you like assholes, so I guess that should've been a warning sign.
I'd say that this was one very cruel life lesson that I ended up learning the hard way.
You can't trust anyone, especially of it seems like they are a decent human being. They're just going to fuck you over when they get the chance.

PS I found out that the fucker cheated on me and is still dating the whore. I hope they're happy together.

The Rant About Not Supporting My Sport Post

My mom doesn't support my sport. At all.
Every time I ask her to do something to help me out. Like taking me to the barn, for example, she tells me I have to wait, or she's too busy. I usually have to plan a trip to the barn a couple of days in advance.
Sometimes even if I do that, she makes everything else more important and I have to wait, or I don't even get to go out.
Then there's the whole board thing. Most of the time, she tries to help, but if she does it's only $100. She's never offered to pay board, or for the farrier, or for new tack, or anything like that. I'm dead broke 98% of the time because all of my money goes to my horses and she doesn't bother to help out.
Another thing is that I can't drive. She whines and bitches and complains about driving me to the barn, even when she doesn't have to do it. I offered to pay her gas money even. Did she take it? Nope.
She doesn't watch me ride because she wants to. She does it because Atlas is dangerous and I need someone there to make sure I don't die. Last time I went out to ride, she asked if there was WiFi so that she could take her laptop out and sit in the car while I rode.
So many times, I've asked if she could take me to the tack shop, or the barn so that I could do something for my horses health, like blanket him in the winter, or even buying that blanket FOR the winter, she freaks out at me, even though all the money is coming out of MY pocket, or it's when it's most convenient for her. It doesn't matter how much I try to accommodate to her schedule, she gets mad at me for wanting to go see and ride the horses that I invested in and that I have a passion for.
It's not hard to tell who the favorite child is too.
Does he get all new hockey equipment out of mommy's pocket? Yep.
Does she willingly go watch every game? Yep.
Does she drive him to all his practices without complaining? Yep.
Does she go to tournaments everywhere and not complain? Yep.
Sounds like the complete opposite of what she does for me. Thanks mom.

The Lonely Post

This weekend is the one weekend that I need to be surrounded by people. It's the worst weekend of the year. Two years ago, on Canada Day, my life changed, and it just seems like everything is getting worse and worse. Everyone who I've ever given my heart to seems to shatter it or take advantage of the fact that I care. This is the only weekend of the year that I feel more alone and more empty than normal, and nobody seems to even know, care or even want to care. It seems like nobody wants anything to do with me, so I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or if I just need new friends. And there is no alcohol. Fuck me. :(

The Nobody Will Actually Care About This Post Post

Well I'm having a shitty day.
You know the days when you wake up and everything goes wrong? Today was one of those days.
I think I'm in way over my head, and I know that there is nobody here to save me.
I have abandonment issues, I'll admit it. Almost everyone I've ever loved has abandoned me in some way, shape or form.
What does this say about me?
Oh yeah, people obviously don't want to be around me. Great.
Everything crumbled apart and crushed me in the rubble today. I felt so shitty when I crawled into bed that I just burst into tears.
Yes, I cried about my life.
Crying brought up everything that I have ever cried about, so I cried harder. This just sent me spiraling downward.
I'm at the point that I don't care if anyone cares anymore because I know that they won't in the end. People are selfish, stupid, arrogant and fake.
I don't know what else to say.
I haven't been this upset in a while and I don't like it at all.
I know that nobody will call me, text me or show up at my house to give me a hug. Not just because it's after midnight, but because they don't care. People never cared, and they never will. I don't know why karma or whatever the fuck controls this sort of thing feels like I deserve this, but I know I don't. The last two years of my life have been living hell. Devastation after devastation has hit me hard, and I almost gave up. Why am I being pushed away again? I've been so happy lately, and I don't understand why it's fair that I'm dying inside.
I have nothing else to add, because I don't know what else to say or do, except cry.