The Inevitable Post

Well, seeing as I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 months now, it's fairly inevitable that a post dedicated to him would come along. ;)

I don't think I've ever been this happy. I've heard from multiple sources that I'm just glowing and giddy like a little kid, and it's true.

He's funny, and he gets me. I love it. He makes me feel wanted, and he makes me want to get up in the morning, just so I can talk to him, or see him. I think my favorite thing about waking up next to him is that the first thing he does is kiss me. I think that is the sweetest, most romantic thing I've ever experienced in my whole life. It just makes my heart melt.
I'm singing along to love songs on the radio, and I'm wanting to watch romantic comedies. This never happens! It's amazing :)

He is someone that I want to spend every hour of every day with, but I know I can't, so I'm trying to just settle with doing other things, but it's hard when I can't get him out of my head.

I probably sound like some crazy high schooler, which really I am, but this is what's been going on with me for the last few months, and I'd honestly do anything for him.

He's my happy when I'm sad, he's my sane when I go mad, and he's my rock when everything else is being blown around by a hurricane. I feel like he understands and he is willing to give me advice on anything I'm having trouble with. It is so reassuring to just have someone there who will hold me when it feels like my world is crumbling apart.

But yeah, this post is for you, and I hope you actually read it, because you deserve to know how awesome you are in my eyes. ;)

The Emotionally Challenged Post

I have no reason to be sad.
I have a best friend that loves me, two beautiful horses and the best boyfriend I've ever had.
But for some reason last night, this feeling of sadness just poured over me and ruined my day, and it was a pretty good day. It even attacked my dreams and made me feel as unwanted as humanly possible. And when I woke up I was just crying and I couldn't stop. I don't know why this is happening to me, and I want it to stop. It's making me feel so worthless and like I'm alone in the world, even though I'm not. It's so frustrating. It just came out of the blue, as I've been so happy lately.
Maybe it's from all the thoughts spinning in my head, and my subconscious is just choosing to manifest the ones I'm most afraid of? Who knows? I definitely don't, and it's driving me crazy. :( I feel like I should say more, but I just can't.

The Unknown Blog Post of Confusion

I don't know where that title came from, I just figured that being creative would help me feel better :p I should be on top of the world right now, but I'm not, I'm actually in a substantially bad mood, and it sucks. Sometimes you're in a bad mood for no reason, and it just brings you down even more because you don't know why. This morning I bought tickets to see my favorite singer with my best friend. Totally the best thing ever right? Yeah, I thought so too. That didn't last long and since then my mood has deflated. I don't know why this happens, I don't think I ever will either, but it always ends up with me breaking down and reminiscing about all the crap I've gone through and how much I've hated my life, but then it leads to me thinking about all the amazing things and the few amazing people I have in my life and I feel a little better, but there's still an emptiness, and I don't understand why. It's unnerving and frustrating and horrendous for anyone that cares about me at all to watch me fall apart and come back together. One might even think I'm bipolar, but that's not the case. I guess some stones are better left unturned and it's best to try and move on and forget, but most of the time it's not that easy to let go of anything remotely substantial or has left any kind of impact on your life. But life happens I guess.

The Confused Yet Happy Post

Have you ever met someone and just known that they are someone you want to spend all your time with? Well I have, and I am attempting to do so, with much luck thus far.
It's fantastic having someone who will hug me, and cuddle with me and hold my hand, I guess the whole boyfriend aspect has been missing from my previous relationships.
The problem is, I'm not sure what we are. Like at all. I feel like we could be together, but I'm still not sure.
Things are so fantastic between us, I know I feel a spark, but I'm not sure what his side is. Yes, there's an age difference, but that doesn't seem to bother him, nor does it bother me. I just feel so comfortable around him.
My poor friends must be driven crazy by me talking about him hahahah, I'm not even kidding.( If you guys actually read this, I'm sorry. )
But in all honesty, I think this is the most successful almost relationship ever, in my mind.
But really, how does one know if you are actually together or not? I mean yeah, there's the blatantly obvious "ask him" but I feel almost like I'd be bothering him, but if we were together he wouldn't care. Hmm, what a conundrum.

The Broken Life Lesson Post

So, every once in a while life will throw you a curveball, and keeping with the baseball theme, this one curved up and smashed all my fucking teeth in.

Sometimes you meet someone and you just know that they are like your second half. You have the same views on the important things, but some of your interests are different, which helps it all kind of melt together.
I thought I met someone like that. We went out, and saw each other as often as possible, things were fantastic for about a month.
I went on vacation, and the day I went to leave and come home was the last day I heard from him. It blindsided me. Everything was so good until then and I have no idea what happened.

I personally feel that every boy who has ever done this, or has even slept with a girl more than once and stopped talking to her, deserves to be kicked in the balls by an angry, shod draft horse for every fucking day they haven't talked to her.
As far as I'm concerned, if you're a heartless asshole who said things like "I could see us lasting a long time" or "I would do anything for you" or any bullshit like that, you deserve to feel the emotional pain that we have to deal with.
After day 3, I'm not gonna lie, I cried myself to sleep and slumped around in a depressed state. I was crushed. I guess I still am, but it's been a week, and I figure I'm obviously not important enough to even zap a quick text to. But you know what, that's okay. There are half a dozen other guys dying to take your place and can do so very easily.
If you even read this far and feel some remorse, you'll know who you are. I know you like assholes, so I guess that should've been a warning sign.
I'd say that this was one very cruel life lesson that I ended up learning the hard way.
You can't trust anyone, especially of it seems like they are a decent human being. They're just going to fuck you over when they get the chance.

PS I found out that the fucker cheated on me and is still dating the whore. I hope they're happy together.

The Rant About Not Supporting My Sport Post

My mom doesn't support my sport. At all.
Every time I ask her to do something to help me out. Like taking me to the barn, for example, she tells me I have to wait, or she's too busy. I usually have to plan a trip to the barn a couple of days in advance.
Sometimes even if I do that, she makes everything else more important and I have to wait, or I don't even get to go out.
Then there's the whole board thing. Most of the time, she tries to help, but if she does it's only $100. She's never offered to pay board, or for the farrier, or for new tack, or anything like that. I'm dead broke 98% of the time because all of my money goes to my horses and she doesn't bother to help out.
Another thing is that I can't drive. She whines and bitches and complains about driving me to the barn, even when she doesn't have to do it. I offered to pay her gas money even. Did she take it? Nope.
She doesn't watch me ride because she wants to. She does it because Atlas is dangerous and I need someone there to make sure I don't die. Last time I went out to ride, she asked if there was WiFi so that she could take her laptop out and sit in the car while I rode.
So many times, I've asked if she could take me to the tack shop, or the barn so that I could do something for my horses health, like blanket him in the winter, or even buying that blanket FOR the winter, she freaks out at me, even though all the money is coming out of MY pocket, or it's when it's most convenient for her. It doesn't matter how much I try to accommodate to her schedule, she gets mad at me for wanting to go see and ride the horses that I invested in and that I have a passion for.
It's not hard to tell who the favorite child is too.
Does he get all new hockey equipment out of mommy's pocket? Yep.
Does she willingly go watch every game? Yep.
Does she drive him to all his practices without complaining? Yep.
Does she go to tournaments everywhere and not complain? Yep.
Sounds like the complete opposite of what she does for me. Thanks mom.

The Lonely Post

This weekend is the one weekend that I need to be surrounded by people. It's the worst weekend of the year. Two years ago, on Canada Day, my life changed, and it just seems like everything is getting worse and worse. Everyone who I've ever given my heart to seems to shatter it or take advantage of the fact that I care. This is the only weekend of the year that I feel more alone and more empty than normal, and nobody seems to even know, care or even want to care. It seems like nobody wants anything to do with me, so I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or if I just need new friends. And there is no alcohol. Fuck me. :(

The Nobody Will Actually Care About This Post Post

Well I'm having a shitty day.
You know the days when you wake up and everything goes wrong? Today was one of those days.
I think I'm in way over my head, and I know that there is nobody here to save me.
I have abandonment issues, I'll admit it. Almost everyone I've ever loved has abandoned me in some way, shape or form.
What does this say about me?
Oh yeah, people obviously don't want to be around me. Great.
Everything crumbled apart and crushed me in the rubble today. I felt so shitty when I crawled into bed that I just burst into tears.
Yes, I cried about my life.
Crying brought up everything that I have ever cried about, so I cried harder. This just sent me spiraling downward.
I'm at the point that I don't care if anyone cares anymore because I know that they won't in the end. People are selfish, stupid, arrogant and fake.
I don't know what else to say.
I haven't been this upset in a while and I don't like it at all.
I know that nobody will call me, text me or show up at my house to give me a hug. Not just because it's after midnight, but because they don't care. People never cared, and they never will. I don't know why karma or whatever the fuck controls this sort of thing feels like I deserve this, but I know I don't. The last two years of my life have been living hell. Devastation after devastation has hit me hard, and I almost gave up. Why am I being pushed away again? I've been so happy lately, and I don't understand why it's fair that I'm dying inside.
I have nothing else to add, because I don't know what else to say or do, except cry.

The Kinda Deep School's Almost Done Post

Well, we're finally down to the last hurrah. There are 10 days of school left. I can't wait to be done.
The last year has just flown by. Not only that, but it's been crazy. I feel like I'm an even more different person then I was before.
I've loved people, I've lost people, and I've probably pissed a bunch of people off. But more importantly, I've met people who have changed my life, be it for better or for worse. I think it was worth it.
To anyone I've pissed off: deal with it. I'm not here to please everyone, so suck it up and face the fact that I'm not perfect, nor are you, so shut the fuck up and stop acting like it. Honestly, if I pissed you off on purpose, there was a damn good reason, you just need to figure it out.
To anyone who has hurt me: fuck you. Thank you for making me stronger.
To anyone who has stuck with me: I love you deeply and appreciate your listening skills, even if my stories are crazy and stupid.
To everyone I have met or am going to meet: be prepared, because summer is going to be legen -wait for it- DAIRY!

PS, that should be "keep calm and bathing suit up"

The Overly Emotional Confused at Midnight Post

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Something fantastic starts in my life and I go and screw it up. I hate it.
Nothing has ever been able to go smoothly in my life. Everything just gets complicated and crashes down on top of me.
Last year, something happened to me that I haven't been able to forget about. Okay, more like someone, but that doesn't matter. A couple of months ago, I thought I was over it.. Nope. :( it was thrown right in my face bringing back everything that I've tried to forget about. I just want to curl up and die.
Everything is just so confusing if you throw other things into the equation because it all just ties together and makes a big mess that ends with me being crushed, again.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I know, it's weird for me to show any emotion at all, but this is killing me and I just needed to get it out for the world to see.
I'm so confused, and so hurt that I honestly just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Everything is just snowballing downhill and headed straight off the edge of a cliff.
Last time I checked, I wasn't that bad of a person, so why is karma all up in my face and just destroying me? I mean, you'd never tell by looking at me, but every day of my life, I'm hurting. I'm so good at pretending that everything is okay that it just seems natural to me now.
I am not writing this for attention, or sympathy, or anything like that. I am simply writing this because writing something for just myself to see isn't enough for me. I want every one to see this so that they know even the bravest, most confident people are hurting inside.

The Pet Peeves Post

So, what pisses you guys off most?
For me, it's greasy people, people who smell bad, man whores and normal whores.

First, we will start with the unhygienic, greasy people.
WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!?
Showering and keeping yourself clean is not a choice, it's mandatory for life. Now I'm not talking about those people who shower regularly and whose hair naturally greases, I'm talking about those people who don't shower for multiple days and don't take care of themselves physically. I'm sorry, but how can you let yourself get that way? I get uncomfortable without showering for two days, let alone multiple. Like greasy for my hair is 5 showers later for some people. It's just not right.

Now for people who smell bad.
Yes, everyone produces body odors and it is not optional to wear deodorant and shower regularly to keep yourself clean. It's a bit of a different story if you're allergic to perfume or deodorant or something, but still, shower every day. Another thing that falls under this category is people who wear enough perfume or cologne to choke me mid breath and leave me smelling like them for the next three hours. No. Just no.

Now for the man whores. I'm gonna smush the normal whores in here too, just because they fall under the same category. People, keep your legs closed, and keep your mouths off each others genitals. There is no need for you to have coitus with anyone who offers. If someone came up to you and offered you a dead squirrel bleeding from its eyes, would you take it? I didn't think so. Another thing is; if you act like a whore, people will start labeling you as so and make shit up about you, even though you could very well have chlamydia from all the people you have slept with. It also makes you sloppy therefore making coitus less enjoyable and desirable. Another thing is all of these greasy, ugly, loseresque people who are wheeling people as if it's going out of style. How the fuck does this happen? If you let the parts of you that people see look that bad, I don't even want to know what the parts that people can't see will look like. Clean up.

Anyway, end of rant, have a lovely evening.

The Bitching About Bitches Post

There's one thing I really can't stand.. And it's bitches.
Not only are they skanky, whorish and manipulative, but they also make you choose between your friends!
Like seriously, if someone put a pie in front of you and then put a cake in front of you an hour later and made you choose, which would you choose?! I mean, personally, I'd choose the pie because I like pie more than cake and pie has never been rude to me, nor has it ever let me down. I've also never puked up pie, that's major brownie points.
And all this talk of cake and pie gets me thinking, bitches are fat, and ugly. And speaking of sluts, holy! They need to learn to put on some pants! And cover up their tits! Nobody needs to see that! Like seriously! Bitches be crazy!

The Confusion Post

Have you ever had a moment when you already posted a blog but then realized something so you felt the need to post another? If not, you will learn from my experience.
So I have a snuggie, which I love because it is warm and purple.
I wear this snuggie quite often? But have yet to come up with an idea of how to keep the back half of my body warm if for example I had to pee. Not only is it awkward to get up and move a round, but it also makes me feel more lazy, which leads to stupidity. "why bother putting my pants back on if I am wearing a snuggie?" *tries to walk, falls on face* "oh yeah, that..." I mean really, how could I have not figured that out? But anyway.. Yeah, I just felt that the world needed to know not to use a snuggie as a substitute for pants, especially if they are still around your ankles.

The I'm Not Dead Post

I'm not dead, just computer less.
Let me explain.
My family and I took a trip home back in December. Someone cracked my laptop screen, it's been in the shop for a month and still isn't fixed. The end.
Yeah, it makes me so mad. :(
But good news, I get to go to Costa Rica next year for Grad! I'm super stoked!
Thats the only overly exciting thing to happen recently. Yeah, SO exciting.

Have you ever had one of those days when everything that comes out of your mouth just sounds stupid? Apparently that happens to me more often than not. People always laugh at me or interrupt me no matter what I'm saying. Thats why I'm lucky that nobody can interrupt me whilst typing on my own blog, which is mine.
I just realized if anyone ever gets ahold of my phone, I'm screwed..
It has my Facebook, email, twitter, instagram, pinterest, flickr, eBay stumbleupon, blog and my banking information.. SOMEONE COULD STEAL MY IDENTITY USING MY PHONE!!! WTF!!! AND THEY CAN SEND STRANGE THINGS BOUGHT OFF EBAY (LIKE UNICORN MEAT!! (see below)) TO MY HOUSE!! AAAAAAHHH!! Definitely not sleeping without my phone tonight... Or ever..
That is probably the scariest thing I've thought of all day that there is actually a percentage of a chance of happening.. I don't even know what to think. At least if a can of Unicorn meat shows up at my house, I'll know it's from someone who reads my blog on sexual Wednesday's, because there is no other kind of Wednesday.

PS. I just realized that killing a unicorn is a terrible deed and if someone sends a can of unicorn meat to my house than the Ministry of Magic will hunt me down and I will be in big, big trouble.. Don't send me unicorn meat..

The Robin Reminded Me to Blog Post

I'm eating lunch with Robin, and she asked if I had blogged recently. Is right now recent enough for you?! :D

I'm just in a fantastic mood! I dyed my hair and it's warm enough to wear shorts. Life is good!!

The I Forgot I Had a Blog Post

Oops.. I forgot I had a blog..
Anyway, nothing overly significant has happened, so don't worry, you haven't missed much.
Tonight I was cleaning my room and I found a box of my ex boyfriends stuff that he gave to me.
I went through the letters and Card and I felt a little tinge of sadness tug on my heart. But when I opened the little ring box, I really felt the sadness. I don't know why, but I did. I put the ring on my finger, just because it's pretty, and it got stuck, so now it's there until I can pry it off. I also fell in love with it long before I fell in love with him.
I know that he and I ended for a reason, and I'm glad that we don't fight anymore, but part of me wishes that I still have someone who will kiss me when I'm sad and just let me cry in their arms and not worry about the world. I guess my friends are supposed to be like that, but it would be kind of weird of one of them tried to kiss me, not gonna lie.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out and I guess letting it out, on a blog, for the world to see probably wasn't the best idea, seeing as most of you probably don't care, but whatever. :)

The This Post Needs to be Read Post

Yeah, so I have a problem with people telling me that riding "isn't a sport" or that "horses do all the work".
No. Just no.
A horse is a 1200 pound prey animal that has a mind of its own.
A prey animal means that it will feel threatened EVERY TIME something is on its back because they think it's a predator!! So getting a horse to the point of dealing with and accepting a rider is a huge task.
Secondly, you're sitting at least 5 feet in the air because horses are big.
Thirdly, horses don't understand English. It doesn't matter how many times you say "woah" or "good pony" they will still ignore you if they're scared. Horses have a one track mind so if they are scared, all they will think about is being scared. Yeah, there's no reasoning with them.
Do you know how hard it is to get a horse to move when you weigh 125 pounds? IT'S PRETTY HARD! ESPECIALLY when you're sitting on their back and have to balance in order to not fall off and get trampled.
Once you get the horse moving, you have to communicate what you want it to do wIthout saying anything, using only your body. Yeah, that's crazy difficult!
You know what else is difficult? Getting a horse to go over a 3 foot jump that DOESN'T COLLAPSE if you hit it. That's right, I'm talking about galloping at a mostly solid jump that will not come apart if you hit it, it may move, but that doesn't prevent a rotational fall. Plain and simple. If you hit it, hold on and get out of your horses way.
That my friends is called cross country.
Horses have a blind spot directly in front of their face, so you bet your ass that they would not jump that thing if it weren't for you riding them through a course.
Another thing, if you want to work well with a horse, he's gotta respect you. That respect is so crucial to being able to perform well together.
Horses have thin, delecate legs. You have to take care of them and protect them the best you can. I've invested in $150 boots just for my horses front legs. Owning a horse is NOT cheap.
Nor is it painless. Countless times I have ended up with dirt in my pants and bruised bones because my horse threw me or didn't want to go over the jump. You have to be tough to be able to take a beating from an animal 10 times your size and STILL want to work with it.
Mostly, you have to have a passion and a desire to work and succeed with your horse. Riding isn't about competing for anything but a partnership and a love that will last you a lifetime. You have to earn every single thing that a horse has to offer because they are flighty animals.
Honestly, riding is 100% the best thing ever.
It has made me tough.
It's made me confident.
It's made me happy.
It's broken me.
It's fixed me.
It's made me poor.
It's made me sad.
It's hurt me.
It's helped me trust.
It saved my life.

If you're reading this, I just want you to think about this post the next time that you want to diss my sport. You have no idea what any sport means to anyone, let alone what it takes to do it.

The Pain Post

Holy hell.

OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Multiply that by a billion and that is how much I hurt. I want to cry. Really badly.

The I Feel a Need to Post Post

Nothing overly interesting happened today. I bought stuff for my ponies and Sarah came and visited. :)

My mouth hurts worse than yesterday and is a tad more swollen, but apparently its on the road to recovery!

I bought the book "101 Eventing Tips" today and it has me really craving a nice ride on Atlas, but I don't think that will happen until I can eat solid food again, or at least until my mouth stops hurting.

Both of us are so out of shape it's not even funny, hopefully we can start our lessons soon because we both need them. Bad.

I really wanted to start competing in smaller shows this summer, but I don't know if that's gonna happen or not, maybe if we work really hard for the next little bit we will be able to start! Anyway, here's a picture of us schooling cross country back in September!

The I Hate Anesthetic Post

Well, really it's a love hate thing, but it just made me sick, so right now I hate it.

I've had a pretty relaxing day of sleeping and watching 90210, but by the time 9:00 rolled around I was starved, and pudding just wasn't cutting it.

Momma bear made me a scrambled egg and I ate it in about half an hour, but not even all of it. I decided it wad time to go downstairs and go to bed, so I gathered my things from my parents room and wandered down to the middle level.
Daddy gave me a glass of salt water to swish and clean my stitches, but it was really gross!

I did it anyway and I started to feel light headed, so I sat down and half passed out on the kitchen counter. Daddy helped me down the stairs, but I needed to go to the bathroom and he went up to get my glass of water. Apparently the mixture of the Anesthetic, T3's, Torodol, eggs, pudding, milk, water, mango/pineapple smoothie and moving for the first time all day, caused my stomach to upset itself.
Let's just say I'm no longer hungry.
I do feel better though, I'm not light headed anymore!

I really hope that the aching of my jaw and blood taste in my mouth will allow me to sleep though! Anyway, I'm off to bed!

PS, my dad is making me sleep with the door open just in case I get sick again. I hate sleeping with the door open and in all honesty it scares me a little.

PPS, I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight cause I usually sleep on my stomach because it's more comfortable, but I obviously can't do that with stitches in my mouth and my face being in pain.

The Post Wisdom Teeth Post

Well I'm alive.
I got home around noon and slept for the last three and a half hours.
They put me to sleep before I knew what was happening.
They had my IV in and took me to the operating room, the doctor put a little something of some kind into my bloodstream, I don't remember what it was, and then the nurse told me to take three big, deeeep breaths in through the oxygen mask and then start breathing normal. The next thing I knew, I was waking up on a bed next to some attractive guy in a different bed and I had a big bandage around my head, gauze on my face, and drool on my numb chin. Oh, and my tongue felt like a dead chunk of meat stuck in my mouth.
I was disoriented and the nurse helped me into the wheelchair. She wanted to take me downstairs, but almost left without my jacket. I tried to tell her, but she told me not to talk.
We went in an elevator, and I was too confused, and numb, to notice until it was too late.
We finally got me home and my body is in shock so I'm in my moms bed with two extra blankets on.
We took the gauze out of my mouth and they were just covered in blood.
My mom then tried to feed me a vanilla milkshake with a spoon.. I dribbled a lot on my face because my bottom lip is super numb. Then I tried to drink some milk while I took two T3's and a Toradol. It's hard to drink milk when your face is numb.
After that, I put new gauze in and slept for three hours. Now that I finally have my phone, I'm trying to eat a peach mango fruitcicle, but my jaw and mouth hurts so bad that I can barely open my mouth. And I'm not allowed to use straws.
Anyway, so that's how it went so far, I'm not dead but in pain, and I'm ugly, like holy crap, so ugly, but I'll post a picture anyway cause its already on Facebook..

The Night Before my Wisdom Teeth Come Out Post

Well as of 15 minutes from when I'm writing this, I'll no longer be able to eat solid food for multiple days.

This makes me sad, because I like food. Especially solid food. Specifically tacos, Chinese and Baconators, but not in that order.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I'm nervous. I don't usually admit to that, but I will in this case. Not just because they're knocking me out and putting stitches in my mouth, but because tomorrow is the first day in my 17 years of life that I am permitting myself to wear pyjamas in public, but not just any pyjamas, my lucky, ho pink pyjama pants with Thumper on them that my grandma bought from the Disney store when I was in grade 6. Yes, they still fit and are super comfy.
If you want to see this, stop by my house in the next couple of days, I don't see me going anywhere anytime soon.

But yeah, I figured you guys would enjoy that chunk of history from my life. :)

So with that, I bid you all adieu and am heading to sleep. My surgery is at 10:30 so don't expect a post before noon, unless I wake in the middle of the night and feel the need to blog.

The Art Post

If there's one thing that helps me get through a rough time, it's being able to do art. It really helps me get my emotions out for the world to see in a way that makes me happy and it makes me feel accomplished.

It's really hard for me to find time when I'm comfortable to do art and where I have to time to finish what I start.

Art is one of those things that you can't rush. It doesn't matter what it is, you can't rush it, or it will turn out shitty.

I make sure to keep my sketchbook as close to me as humanly possible in case I see something super cool or something that is just begging to be drawn.

Sometimes, if I'm having a super bad day I will journal my problems out and then scribble over it and draw on it and it will help me feel much better.

Other times, it just helps to give me a blank piece of paper, some pencils, maybe a bit of charcoal and just to set me loose.

I've been working on this one for my AP submission since last week and I'm finally starting to really pull it together.

The Actual CALM Class Post

So since my first CALM post was accidentally deleted, I figured I would write another. This time tomorrow, I will be unconscious with stitches in place of my wisdom teeth.

Not gonna lie I'm kind of nervous. I've never been put to sleep before, nor have I had stitches. I'm going to be missing the rest of this week from school, so I'll be quite lonely. I'm hoping someone, or multiple someones will come visit me.

I'm supposed to be doing homework for all of my classes, but I really don't see that happening anytime soon.

I need to find things that I can do in a half conscious state that will not cause me bodily or mental harm... Any ideas would be greatly appreciated, as would visitors!

I'm sure in my half conscious post of tomorrow, you will see what my face looks like.. I'm just going to be a big bag of ugly.

The First Late Night Post

I think I'm going to name my posts based on the time or setting or what kind of mood I'm in, just like in friends when they use "the one..."

Anyway.
I think I'm feeling a bit better than earlier. I had a talk with a great, brotherly friend, and it really helped a lot. I still feel like shit, but it helped a lot.

I guess sometimes I just get in that mindset that everything is just crashing down and getting worse and worse, and I know that I really need help or something, but I feel that my problems are just so minuscule compared to everything else that other people have to deal with. I still feel like that. And it makes me feel crappier. My brain says "there are people dying out there and you're worried about THIS? How pathetic."
Yeah, I put myself down a lot of the time because I feel like I deserve it.
Hopefully a nice, long, hard ride on Atlas will help me break loose from everything and help ease my mind, even if it's for only an hour. My horses are the only things I can count on to be there when it counts, they will listen, and they won't interrupt me when I'm trying to say something important. They are the two things in my life that always help me wake up in the morning when I feel like I have nothing else.

The Working on Being Posted Post

I accidentally deleted the CALM post.. Sorry folks. You really didn't miss anything. My life still sucks, I love the Script, but I'm not longer in the computer lab.

Everything is still wrong. I still can't do anything right. I had a talk with a great friend and it helped a bit, but I'm still in a pretty shitty mood.

My wisdom teeth are coming out on Wednesday which just makes all of this a billion times worse. But it's okay cause I get to miss school. I still have to do the work for it though. My face will be the size of a squash and it will be bruised too. I'll post a picture in a later blog because it will be pretty funny. But yeah, the only thing worth posting.

The First Work Post

Well, I'm sitting writing this in our lovely back room at Lammle's. I'm enjoying my Subway and my Starbucks quite a bit, except for the fact that I'm tired as fuck and I have a buttload of homework to do when I get home.

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you're never good enough? I'm having one of those months. I blame that stupid breakup, but that's just me. It was a gong show.

I thought everything was fine, but it came back and slapped me in the face.. On Facebook. How's that for helping me feel better about myself? I was completely devastated. I mean, who wouldn't be? It is so rude, and so cowardly that you can only imagine how I felt.
I don't know, I've just been thinking about that a lot lately and it sucks. But I've also been thinking and I need to break out of that box and be rebellious, especially considering I turn 18 in like 6 months.

I don't know, it's just surreal to have so many thoughts swirling through my head making me feel like such a bad person because of everything I've done. I can't even begin to comprehend it.

I guess I'm just tired, so everything is surfacing and running through my brain, so I'm sitting here, spending my break, telling the world how much my life is sucking right now. This isn't even half of it, but I don't feel like explaining it all right now.

Uh oh.. I've Been Thinking..

Well, my half conscious post got me thinking...
I am not an overly rebellious kid.
Really.
I usually stay home, by myself, and eat whatever is in the cupboard whilst StumbleUponing and playing music.
I felt that this was an acceptable way of life until my not so stellar breakup.. I was a little bit devastated. But that will come at a later time, I'm sure I'll end up doing a recollection of my worst memories when I go through another "depression" phase.. Don't ask.
I think I need to do the whole "teenager thing" a bit more.. But that's just my opinion. Some people are all like "don't do that thing it's bad for you, you should know better than that BLAH BLAH BLAH". I am so sick of people trying to influence my life and "protect" me. Yes, I know some  of it is irresponsible and stupid, I KNOW THIS! I have a conscious, I DO HAVE A BRAIN! I really appreciate that people care about me, but I don't need it shoved down my throat all the time.
Anyway.. My last summer as a high school student is coming up and I need some ideas to make it the BEST SUMMER EVER. I mean, partying, working, spending time at the beach, going to Kentucky and spending time with my ponies is obviously on the list, but I need to do other things too..
/rant off/
Anyway, I just realized that I have a date with a lovely birthday girl to go laser tagging in about an hour, so I have to make it look like I didn't stay up all night last night!

Happy St. Paddy's Day everyone! Drink some green beer and stay out of places you shouldn't be! ;)

Oh look guys, a partially unconscious post!

Well it's 3:30 in the morning and Sarah and I just starte watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part two. Yeah, prolly gonna be a great rest of the night. I'm gonna cry haha. I know it.
But today, we had a crazy awesome adventure! We went bowling, we bought horse treats, we had a couple of close calls, I BOUGHT A DRESS ( it never happens) and we partied like rock stars with some pretty great people, just to get up at 10 and go our separate ways. Yeah, we're crazy. ;) but were a good time! All in all, it was a fantastic day with even better people!

The Wake After the Apocalypse

So last night I had this dream about the apocalypse.
This isn't uncommon for me, at all.
So we had a fleet of two vehicles: a van with a wheelchair lift and a big jacked up truck.
There was snow, and I was wearing my slippers.
I don't mean there was just snow, there were also frozen ravines, cliffs and that sort of thing and we were back in my home province driving to my grandparents house in the middle of nowhere.
That drive always scared me as a child. There was so much twisting and turning and winding. There was also water, lots of water because we had to follow the coast to get there.
Anyway, so my dream was going as normal as a dream about the apocalypse could go. Killed a few zombies, got stuck in the snow, etc. but what you don't usually think of in a zombie apocalypse was rescued from hits snowy trap. That's right, some tall, sexy guy got stuck in the snow in a Lamborghini LP-570-4 SL.
During the zombie apocalypse.

Anyway, I won't tell you guys the rest of my dream, but we did get him unstuck.
Also, for a moment when I woke up, I thought the apocalypse had actually happened because my phone had 3 texts and 2 phone calls from a frantic friend wondering if I was alive or not. She's the best. :)

I think I will just do multiple posts a day because sometimes interesting things happen. Also, here's a picture of that Lamborghini:

The Cherry Pop

Well.. I've done it... I've broken down and started a blog.


Um.. I'm not sure where to start. 


I am your average teenage girl. 
Averagely pretty.
Averagely brunette.
Averagely distracted.
Averagely hit on.
Averagely irresponsible.
Averagely cowgirl.
Averagely artistic.
Averagely clumsy.
Averagely lazy.
Averagely alone.
Averagely nerdy.
Averagely lame.
Averagely skinny.
Averagely smart.
Averagely tall.
Averagely unintelligent in all ways shapes and forms when it comes to important things in my daily adventures.
Yes, my life is an adventure, considering I'm involved. 


I like the same things that everyone likes. 


Anyway.
Zombies are a prime example. I will survive the apocalypse, seriously.
Another example is parties. I like meeting new people and having fun. That is no surprise to some people and a complete shock to others. You can decide.
Pirates are another. They can do everything that drunk people can, only without showering and with a sword. ON THE OCEAN! 


I am good at math. It makes me so happy it's scary.
If you put something like: tan(37)=48/x in front of me, my heart beats a little faster and I reach for the nearest calculator. 


I have a part time job at a lovely Western Wear store.


I take an unnecessary amount of pictures of everything.Especially if they include me. 


Speaking of which...

Hairstache, anyone?

I have two horses. I think they are pretty, and special. Other people just think they're special and they are annoyed about my speaking of their prettyness. 


Here's some prettyness for you:

See? Special AND pretty! 

Well, if you've made it this far, congratulations! It only gets better from here.. 


PS, they all will not be this long.. I just wanted to make this fairly inaugural.