The Post About Losing People

This isn't about someone passing away. This is about friends who stop being friends. And people who decide that you aren't worth their time anymore and stop calling and texting and hanging out with you.

Friendship is a hard topic for me to talk about, I have lots of friends, but not many close friends. This makes me very sad. The people that I saw as my closest friends only talk to me if I send them a text or if they need something, but someone I once thought to be one of my closest friends now just ignores me, and that really kills me.
All I have ever wanted was one of those friendships where the two of you are inseparable and know everything about each other, but you're not dependant on each other. You can go for ice cream and movies or just hang out and do whatever. You support each other and do whatever you can with each other, and neither of you ever feels alone. I need a best friend. Someone who will really be there for me if I ever need them, and someone who will laugh with me and cry with me and just be with me.
I've been really dependent on my boyfriend for the longest time and that probably hasn't been good for my friendships, I'm trying to be more independent and enjoy my life, but I only have a few people to enjoy it with, and that makes me sad.

I'm now accepting applications for someone that I can be close with and laugh with and cry with. I need someone who can be there for me and help me, because I will absolutely do the same for them, no matter what. If you're a horse person, that would be a huge bonus, but if you can just handle listening to me blabber on like a crazy person, that's okay too.

The New Years Resolution Post

It's been 2 years since I've bogged. I want to start again. My life has been a disaster for the last year and it's all finally starting to come together again. It's a new year, therefore I'm going to better myself. James and I broke up in August, but we are officially back together as of January 1st, hopefully for good. I'm trying to move forward with my life now that I'm done college. I just need to complete my practicum and I will be done. I have a very busy and exciting year planned and I can't wait to share it with everyone. This post won't be very interesting, I'm sorry, I just want to have something solid and in writing so that I will stay motivated to post and share everything. I hope that everyone is able to stick to their goals for this year, as I want to achieve great things and make 2016 an amazing year.

The Post About Self Pity

It's days like today that I just want to sit down and cry. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I feel like I'll never be good enough. 

There's nothing worse than trying to do something in front of a group of people who can do what you're trying, and failing miserably. Having them all judge you, and stare at you, and scream at you, it's all just so frustrating and nerve wracking and terrifying. Just when I'm starting to feel some bit of confidence in my riding ability, it all shatters. 

It all looks so much easier to everyone else, like it just comes naturally to them. I'm not a natural, I don't have the same amount of talent as they do. I don't belong here. 

I don't think I'll ever belong here. 

I took this spot at this school from someone who deserved it, because I didn't. I still don't.

I'll never be able to train horses, I'll never be able to show horses and accomplish anything, maybe I should just keep horses as my hobby and go down a different path. 

I'm not consistent enough. I can't do it properly. I am crooked and all over the place. I am not balanced. I am not soft. I don't have a good leg and a good position. I'm just no good. 

I pity myself because it's my own damn fault that I'm no good and I fuck even the simplest things up. I don't need any pity from anyone else because I already have way too much of it. 

Sometimes I just want to give it all up. 

The Painfully True Post

Have you ever had someone in your life that you believed to be one of the coolest, most awesome people ever and just have them disappoint you so badly by being a selfish person that you don't even want to think about them? Unfortunately I believe that that is how people feel about me. I feel like I'm that person that people roll their eyes at as soon as I open my mouth or show up beside them. I don't even think that they believe I'm cool or awesome, I think that they just see me as "that weird girl with the boyfriend and likes plastic horses" and in a sense that is true, but I need friends too :(
Maybe I just haven't met the right people to really be my friends, but it just makes me sad to see these people that have this one person who is an awesome friend, and I'm lucky if I can hold someone's attention when I'm talking. I'm on a college campus with hundreds of people and nobody really wants to take the effort to actually be my friend, isn't that kind of sad?
If I have shut anyone out since I started dating James, I'm sorry, that really was not my intention at all. I don't really know how to balance this having a boyfriend, horses, friends and going to school thing.

I wish that I had someone (besides James) that I could talk to about things and can actually trust enough to confide in. I'm going through a rough time right now and I just wish I had a friend who would bring me a hot chocolate and curl up on the couch and talk with me for hours when everything is falling apart, or someone that I could babble on about stupid things with for hours. I need a friend that I can count on, because they could count on me. I may be weird, but I'm loyal and I'm sensitive and I try hard to be a good friend. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm lonely and I just need someone to do stupid shit with when James is at home with allis friends, and even when I go home so that I have someone to hang out with if we have a party or friends over or whatever. I just need someone.

Even though I'm surrounded by people, I just feel alone.

Am I just too picky about my friends? I know I come off as a bitch a lot, and I really don't mean to, but it happens because I take a while to trust someone, especially if I want to be able to trust them with anything, because I've been burned in so many ways in the past, so I struggle with letting people into my life. That's why I've kind of clung to James like dog hair on a black coat. I have a hard time being around certain types of people, but I think that everyone is like that to an extent. Do I overstep my boundaries? Probably, but I guess thats me and if someone can't handle it, they probably wouldn't enjoy being my friend.

Sigh.

The Revival Post

So, I know that I've been awful at posting, considering I haven't done so in a year, but so much has changed since then. 
For starters, I've fallen even more in love with James, and we had an absolutely incredible summer together. We travelled to Idaho, we went to Drumheller and hiked the HooDoos, we went to the Tail Creek Music Festival, we travelled to Lethbridge to go to a model horse show (Lethbridge Live), we went to weddings, we rode my horse together, we drove through Glacier National Park, I rode a roller coaster for the first time, we went to a Wolf Sanctuary, and more importantly, I fell in love with him all over again. We've smiled, we've cried, and we've laughed, but more importantly, we've made each other extremely happy over the last year and I cannot thank him enough for everything that he has done. 

I started my second year of my Equine Science diploma in Olds, and it has been very enlightening for me. I've been working very hard on becoming a better person, and with that I've come to realize that I don't deserve to keep toxic people in my life, even though I have very few friends to begin with. With that being said, some people need to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that they are not better than everyone and that they need to treat their "friends" far better than they are, and they need to realize that they are not as important as they think they are. Nobody is THAT important and that will never change. 

I really need something to do better with in my life, a goal of sorts, I've decided to focus on my riding and working with horses, but I think that I should try blogging more too, even if they're jut boring posts about the horses I'm working with, what I've learned and everything in-between like how my day is, (sorry there will be bitching and griping if it's terrible) how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, so many things, even if the post is super nerdy and ridiculous(PLASTIC PONIESS!!!!), I don't care as long as it's something. I'm sure that nobody will continue to read this, as only a handful of people have been reading it over the years. (For anyone that has been reading, thank you so very much, I DO appreciate it)

Here is Atlas and myself from this summer, I didn't spend enough time with them at all :(

As life goes on, I find myself wondering where I'm going to end up when all is said and done. Am I going to be able to work in the Equine Industry and actually be successful? Or am I going to fail miserably and have to find something else to replace my dream? It's a very scary thought, but it is true, as I'm not confident enough to believe that I will succeed, nor to believe that I am going to be good enough to be successful at my dream. With that being said, I'm hoping that I will be able to succeed at someday being a loving wife, and actually create a real life with James. I know I'm young, only 20, but these things have been circling through my head since I have come back to school, as this will be my reality come May.

The Post About Days Like Today

There are days when everything is wrong. You've failed tests and presentations, you've been up for far too many hours, your friends all have better things to do than spend time with you, it seems like everything is going very wrong and the only person you want to spend time with isn't around and it seems like they aren't just 1000 miles away physically, but mentally as well. Though I'm sure it's possible that it is just an overreaction of the imagination because it is just one of those days, but what do I know? You just feel useless, miserable and absolutely worthless, and you feel that there is no good left in the world. 

These days lead to far too much frustration to even fathom, which eventually just turn to tears, and these tears don't stop flowing, nor do they sting any less than being shot in the heart. These days just result in a heavy heart that feels like it could sink right through the soil to the centre of the earth, where it would just burn until it melts away. 

Trying to distract oneself from these miserable, worthless feelings is far harder than it should be. Even sleeping results in waking up abruptly in a cold sweat with tears running down your face, and that makes you far less likely to be able to comfortably fall back to a slumber.  

There's nothing delightful or peaceful about any of this, none at all. The smallest thing just ends up triggering a reaction, or even really just an emotion, making it unbearably painful to consider doing something other than just sitting in your room and watching Gossip Girl on Netflix, hoping that perhaps those characters actually feel more pain about this sort of thing than what you're feeling right now, or that they will at least be able to potray it, whereas you'll try and hide it the best you can with an "I'm just tired" or a "my back hurts, that's all, I'm fine, really", and when someone does find out about it, they'll just pity you and tell you that they wish there was something that they could do to help, rather than actually thinking of something that they could do to help.  

This just leads to an unbearable wish for someone to make some sort of grand gesture for your sake, though it is highly unlikely because nobody has ever made any sort of grand gesture for you in your nineteen years of existence. Why start now, right? 

The Post About Goodbyes Post

I think that the worst word in the English language has to be "goodbye". 

It doesn't matter if it's just for a while, or for the rest of your life, it's still one of the hardest words to either say, or hear come out of someone's mouth. The worst thing is hearing someone you care about say it, it just puts a damper on your whole day. I had to say goodbye to James this morning, and it sucked, because with this whole "seeing each other every few days" thing, it makes a couple of days seem like just a few short hours, and when we are apart, it feels like years until I get to see him again. 

On Friday I also got to see my other horse for the first time in about a month, and it was really hard to say goodbye to her too, even though I'll get to see her soon. 

The worst kind of goodbye is the one without an explanation. The one without reason or purpose. The one that silences the heart in the blink of an eye because it wasn't said. Perhaps it's because one can feel that it is the last goodbye, but they cannot bring themselves to say it, or maybe they just don't say it because they don't want to, or they fear that if they do, it would be the worst mistake that they could ever make. 

Goodbye is composed of seven tiny letters, but it can be used to describe a million thoughts and feelings. There is so much sadness and hatred and anger and frustration, though there could be joy buried in there somewhere, if one looks hard enough. 

One single person is in fact my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye. Though perhaps saying goodbye just means that one can say hello again sooner? 

I do believe though, that if one is intent on seeing another, they shouldn't say goodbye, they should just give them a kiss and tell them that they cannot wait to see them again.