The Post About Self Pity

It's days like today that I just want to sit down and cry. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I feel like I'll never be good enough. 

There's nothing worse than trying to do something in front of a group of people who can do what you're trying, and failing miserably. Having them all judge you, and stare at you, and scream at you, it's all just so frustrating and nerve wracking and terrifying. Just when I'm starting to feel some bit of confidence in my riding ability, it all shatters. 

It all looks so much easier to everyone else, like it just comes naturally to them. I'm not a natural, I don't have the same amount of talent as they do. I don't belong here. 

I don't think I'll ever belong here. 

I took this spot at this school from someone who deserved it, because I didn't. I still don't.

I'll never be able to train horses, I'll never be able to show horses and accomplish anything, maybe I should just keep horses as my hobby and go down a different path. 

I'm not consistent enough. I can't do it properly. I am crooked and all over the place. I am not balanced. I am not soft. I don't have a good leg and a good position. I'm just no good. 

I pity myself because it's my own damn fault that I'm no good and I fuck even the simplest things up. I don't need any pity from anyone else because I already have way too much of it. 

Sometimes I just want to give it all up. 

The Painfully True Post

Have you ever had someone in your life that you believed to be one of the coolest, most awesome people ever and just have them disappoint you so badly by being a selfish person that you don't even want to think about them? Unfortunately I believe that that is how people feel about me. I feel like I'm that person that people roll their eyes at as soon as I open my mouth or show up beside them. I don't even think that they believe I'm cool or awesome, I think that they just see me as "that weird girl with the boyfriend and likes plastic horses" and in a sense that is true, but I need friends too :(
Maybe I just haven't met the right people to really be my friends, but it just makes me sad to see these people that have this one person who is an awesome friend, and I'm lucky if I can hold someone's attention when I'm talking. I'm on a college campus with hundreds of people and nobody really wants to take the effort to actually be my friend, isn't that kind of sad?
If I have shut anyone out since I started dating James, I'm sorry, that really was not my intention at all. I don't really know how to balance this having a boyfriend, horses, friends and going to school thing.

I wish that I had someone (besides James) that I could talk to about things and can actually trust enough to confide in. I'm going through a rough time right now and I just wish I had a friend who would bring me a hot chocolate and curl up on the couch and talk with me for hours when everything is falling apart, or someone that I could babble on about stupid things with for hours. I need a friend that I can count on, because they could count on me. I may be weird, but I'm loyal and I'm sensitive and I try hard to be a good friend. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm lonely and I just need someone to do stupid shit with when James is at home with allis friends, and even when I go home so that I have someone to hang out with if we have a party or friends over or whatever. I just need someone.

Even though I'm surrounded by people, I just feel alone.

Am I just too picky about my friends? I know I come off as a bitch a lot, and I really don't mean to, but it happens because I take a while to trust someone, especially if I want to be able to trust them with anything, because I've been burned in so many ways in the past, so I struggle with letting people into my life. That's why I've kind of clung to James like dog hair on a black coat. I have a hard time being around certain types of people, but I think that everyone is like that to an extent. Do I overstep my boundaries? Probably, but I guess thats me and if someone can't handle it, they probably wouldn't enjoy being my friend.

Sigh.

The Revival Post

So, I know that I've been awful at posting, considering I haven't done so in a year, but so much has changed since then. 
For starters, I've fallen even more in love with James, and we had an absolutely incredible summer together. We travelled to Idaho, we went to Drumheller and hiked the HooDoos, we went to the Tail Creek Music Festival, we travelled to Lethbridge to go to a model horse show (Lethbridge Live), we went to weddings, we rode my horse together, we drove through Glacier National Park, I rode a roller coaster for the first time, we went to a Wolf Sanctuary, and more importantly, I fell in love with him all over again. We've smiled, we've cried, and we've laughed, but more importantly, we've made each other extremely happy over the last year and I cannot thank him enough for everything that he has done. 

I started my second year of my Equine Science diploma in Olds, and it has been very enlightening for me. I've been working very hard on becoming a better person, and with that I've come to realize that I don't deserve to keep toxic people in my life, even though I have very few friends to begin with. With that being said, some people need to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that they are not better than everyone and that they need to treat their "friends" far better than they are, and they need to realize that they are not as important as they think they are. Nobody is THAT important and that will never change. 

I really need something to do better with in my life, a goal of sorts, I've decided to focus on my riding and working with horses, but I think that I should try blogging more too, even if they're jut boring posts about the horses I'm working with, what I've learned and everything in-between like how my day is, (sorry there will be bitching and griping if it's terrible) how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, so many things, even if the post is super nerdy and ridiculous(PLASTIC PONIESS!!!!), I don't care as long as it's something. I'm sure that nobody will continue to read this, as only a handful of people have been reading it over the years. (For anyone that has been reading, thank you so very much, I DO appreciate it)

Here is Atlas and myself from this summer, I didn't spend enough time with them at all :(

As life goes on, I find myself wondering where I'm going to end up when all is said and done. Am I going to be able to work in the Equine Industry and actually be successful? Or am I going to fail miserably and have to find something else to replace my dream? It's a very scary thought, but it is true, as I'm not confident enough to believe that I will succeed, nor to believe that I am going to be good enough to be successful at my dream. With that being said, I'm hoping that I will be able to succeed at someday being a loving wife, and actually create a real life with James. I know I'm young, only 20, but these things have been circling through my head since I have come back to school, as this will be my reality come May.